Funny How Things Change.

        We all have this idea in our heads about how our lives will turn out, the way that we picture them to be. What if I told you that at least 50% of the time, the life that we pictured doesn't turn out. It's funny because a good chunk of the time there are those that follow the path that they have pictured themselves to be on, but if your like me your life definitely didn't turn out how it was supposed to, well maybe not in the correct order.
I always pictured myself as being a graduate with a  Doctorate degree, then getting married, then babies and the rest the falls in between like a house, fancy car etc.
That's not how it turned out, for one. I had my first child, then I got engaged, earned my Associates degree this past July and gave birth to twins in September. Still not married. Fighting to make it though Bachelors classes and finding a schedule that fits three boys.
My plans have changed and I know that a lot of you as my readers can relate to this.

       You have to stop and remember to look back on the little things that you have accomplished because even if your plans did not fall through you still worked your ass off and you are alive to see another day. The world is full of danger, to survive it daily not only physically but mentally and emotionally is a accomplishment. There are those type of people that frown upon the lives that they have now, they  have coasted through unknowingly where the next day might take them. I myself did this, after my oldest was born I rode the day not making plans not knowing what I was going to be doing. I wanted some action, if any of you are moms you know the struggle, a kid equals weeding out the fake friends because your priorities have now changed. That's another thing that's funny, the way that life tends to reveal truths as the time passes, it always seems to be told. You can not hold onto a lie forever as one white lie turns into several until a riptide occurs and your tongue tied on what to say next. Why lie?
   You have to grab life by the imaginary balls kick it in to gear steer it on the direction that you chose because sitting and waiting for the "next big thing" will never happened. It's true what they say that you need to go out and get what you want, because it's not handed to us common folk. I'm saying common folk because we are the middle and poor class. We can't afford the latest virtual reality headset or have a smart home (Though the smart home sounds awesome) we make our own dreams and we set realistic goals. Maybe one day the upper classes will fall out and the common folk will rise up but until then were stuck down here on earth where we make do or fall flat on our asses. That's an advantage that we have over those that think that they are better because their status in this world makes them entitled. We have the bounce back, we get up from the fall bruised ass and all dust the dirt off and try and try again, because if we don't, we fail. Who likes to fail, cause I sure don't levelheadedness will take you a long way. It's funny how things change and most of the times that change results in a better life. I believe that most things happen for unexplained reasons but I've come to accept that as a young mother, my mind has matured before it should and I can hold myself to higher standards because of this. So I say this again, It's Funny How Things Change For The Better

Thanks, Madyson

You’d never think..

you would never see it coming, you don’t think that things like this would happen to you. You go through the motions but show no emotion. Your asked constantly how you feel but always shudder from the truth. You couldn’t possibly be one of them. The ones that have the issues, the person that isn’t completely sane, the one that needs the professional help or things will get worse. It’s a scary feeling, almost helpless, like an alien in your own body. This is all too common, so common that’s it’s not discussed enough that those that need help scream silently cause they are afraid no one will truly hear them. You’d never think that the person sitting next to you smiling and waving at a stranger passing by would be hiding true intentions of self harm. You wouldn’t think that the boy riding a bike on the sidewalk deals with abuse daily and you would never guess that the mother who loves her children unconditionally, who smiles and provides for her babies is suffering from postpartum depression. These are real things. Things that are unseen like the girl being bullied in school by faculty because her outfit will make the boys go crazy.

    We all have our individual thoughts that race through our heads daily, problems that we fight against to the point where it might break us down to the point of exhaustion, ones that are hidden, ones that You as a blatant observer would never notice. Fast paced and moving or full
Of decit. There are reasons that some people, like the examples that I have mentioned above hide the pain, the reasons why they hide the problems from the world. They say the Cancer Zodiac refuses to let others see them as anything but happy because they don’t want to upset anyone. As a Cancer I can relate. It’s easier to keep things in until they bust open at the seems. Why let them see you cry? Let them see you as brave or sweet or some more positive characteristics. We are all screwed up, we just don’t want anyone else to know. That’s why when company comes over we race to clean our homes, hiding away our dirty laundry so the impression we give is the best. This coexists with the nature we have to be wanted. So we’d never think, that underneath it all there is a broken person dying for affection, that there is a sad young mother who cries nightly.

I hate to admit when things are wrong even with my own health. We as people tend to think that we would never deal with health issues that leave us questioning why. I myself never saw my health issues coming, it makes me feel like a failure in a way, not only to myself but my children. It’s unexpected and can only be helped if I let the doctor help me. Scary and in a nutshell, I find myself reversing backward into my own bubble, denial. You’d never think that things that happen to others would happen to you..

Thanks
Maddie

Questioning or Really just Intrigued?

Can that happen?
Can our thoughts be placed into the category ( if such one exists) where logic and reason separate  and our minds go from a question to an intrigued nature, is there a thin line that exists between the two?

We as curious beings inquire about a lot throughout our lifetimes. So why is it such a thought that what we come across and see as an inspired concoction make us question who we are and the way we live.

You know the feeling, the one where we go through major changes in our lives and have a period where we tend to doubt that this is the life for us and we look to the past and analyze everything that led us to this point in our lives, some even try to come up with different scenarios in their heads of how things could be different. Does this mean that we find events, people and ideas intriguing, leaving us with questions of who, what, when, where, why and, how?

Confusing? I know, I'm not even sure where I am heading with this post. In the need to express my thoughts in a way that may make sense to me but seem like a jumble mess to you.

Life is an obstacle one that time is not a friend but a mere enemy snickering at the failures. This means that change happens so quickly that only the brave make the pass, that catching up is playing cat and mouse with patience and feelings. Where belittling the doubt that sweeps the mind is played over. resilience. Who says that we have to be, why can't we complain and take our time? Not all life changes are little You know the ones  that may catch our interest but then fade into exist? A lot of the time the changes are drastic and catch our questions and have us intrigued but in the worst possible way. Instead of offering our minds the euphoric "ooh's." The changes bring along the sadness, the madness and the frustrations that have us screaming, and attract our intrigued minds to a darker place, one that once entered is hard to escape from.

Is it all one big question, a 360 blur that comes around and round again, or is the movements, interests and the everyday possibilities one big intrigued mind that has us smaller brains gathered wondering,lusting, wanting the endless possibilities.


Thank you,
Maddie. 

Do you know the things you say?

The hurtful words, the sideways glances, a lot of time people do not realize that little things are what hurt the most. YOU can read a person from their eyes. I used to be told that the eyes are the keys to the soul and can express our emotions without a given thought. The truth of that we'll speak your mind to someone but when you do look them in the eyes.

I've said it before, we are judgmental creatures, not all the time intentional but we do, and with not the words we say but the looks we give. I can not express the hurt that I have felt because of judgemental eyes staring at me, I have 3 kids at a young age that is to be expected? Niceness. Pause for laughter......  The judgment that I have felt searing into my back."Oh poor her" "Better her than me". I've heard the whispers, half of my thoughts consist of "Yes better me than you because I can handle it can you? " It is absolutely indulging the words that come out of people's mouths. The rudeness that they say. Aren't you supposed to think before you speak or does that not fit into the 2018 agenda?

A lot of the time, we blurt things out that we did not mean, a word without a thought, these words often cause strife between parties. I've blurted out hurtful words to someone, well about them without a thought and a friendship was broken right then and there.

I now understand what the Golden rule is, "Think before you speak it may come back to bite you" So true in many ways. Our words can be misleading and have a powerful message at the same time. We have to learn a middle ground where we can communicate a message clearly using words that everyone can understand and not feel like a fool or dumb because they didn't understand.

Communicating is how the human population thrives, we should be experts by now. you'd think? But if there is not a constant use of proper communication skills to one another, the skills we once knew become forgotten and what we say can hurt others more than help. Look at it like this with the advanced way that humans can be communicated and interact with one another, at such an advanced age in time we are still limited on what we say, we still find ways to avoid the truth, niceness and how we really feel. We hide behind our smartphones and computer desks and let A.I speak for us. What is the dating world like today? A swipe left on Tinder? You met, You hook up and swipe left again. where is the connection, the laughter, the pain? I wonder what would happen if our electrical grid was wiped could humanity survive? Trust me, I rely just like you on the wonders of technology but my world does not revolve around it. I can find ways to interact and live a meaningful life without it. Could you? Do you truly know the things you say to the people around you, would you still know what to say if Your voice couldn't be heard? You shouldn't judge a book by its cover, you should judge what you say before you say it.



Thanks,
Maddie

A Thanks.

No, I can promise today I will not ramble on about how much I appreciate my readers. I'm a nobody and for someone somewhere to read what I write that means something to me. ( Okay, so I did any way)

Moving on, we all do things right? Things that maybe we shouldn't have but out of the kindness of our beating hearts we decide to lend a helping hand, after we are finished with our good deeds would like a recognition of the help we just provide, a simple "thank you" would satisfy that gratification desire that reassures us we did good.

I mean its proper etiquette right? To say our "please" and "Thank you's" without an argument. It's common sense. Nowadays, I'm not so sure, I've always expressed the utmost respect for others no matter who they are I'm not judgmental but if I'm going to help you out, doesn't matter the task I'll offer my hand. okay anyhow, If Im going to help you, say thank you. Dont look at me like I committed a crime and ruined your whole day.
I didn't have to grab your bags and help you to your care or comment about your hair color. I did not have to open my mouth or take the time out of my busy day because I saw you struggling.

Nowadays, if you happen to comment on how cute someone else's kid is your automatically a Pedophile?

I completely understand, the world has fallen from a world where certain cultures could live in Harmony to one of violence even here in the United States our value of living has declined both economically and personally.  Why should we display manners when the rest of us are full of hatred?

I can not answer this, this new generation that have gone from kids to teens, have the potential to rise and be great if parents ( not all) would adopt old ways of bringing up children with discipline instead of letting them run wild.

So, Thanks, a thanks to those that still have some sense.

Thanks Guys:)
Madye

The Human Race

One thing I can never understand is the human race no matter how much my curiosity peaks or how long I study the human mind. I will never fully understand the actions of others.

Wait, what am I saying half the time I'm not sure why I do the things that I do, is it impulse? Are we biologically programmed to do before thinking, given our history I'd say it's accurate?
But hey, that's okay because it hasn't wiped us out completely yet, I mean were still here hanging by that tiny thread of existence. shoot we have pissed off mother nature by polluting the earth, half the time we care more about our selfish needs than about having compassion for others, but this is how were programmed right?
I find that hard to believe and for an up and coming scientist that may sound weird, look, we may be biologically predisposed to some faults from our families past its called hereditary but we each have our own minds, thoughts and behaviours and we choose the actions that we take. So instinct? Well, if its true it can be avoided.

We can't keep blaming our past for the wrongs that we created, for the problems that arose and we walked away from. That's not our purpose. We are unique, why else are we born from a sperm and egg and magically have features, attitudes and a personality all our own. I'm not saying that we can't be influenced by the outside world, you bet your sweet a** we can but that's what we must overcome to be an individual.

Humans are not machines we do not have to put up with much, in our governmental society we do, even if we disagree we find a way to make peace and move on. So why are we still being torn apart? because some million is telling us what we can and can't do?

Hunny, live under the radar, be resilient and live. Screw everyone else, the judgements, the harsh words you don't have to be like the rest of the world or should I say the rest of the Western Culture and conform. Do what makes you happy but abide by the law cause you wouldn't be happy in jail.
Humans are such a complex race that I could probably tell you one thing and you would do the opposite out of spite.

If you are like me and think outside the box take a step back look at the way that people talk to each other, how the English language has failed, how grammar and proper etiquette are a thing of the past. How we have conformed to follow trends that become stupider by the month, What happened to carry about our educations and where the future can take us.

What happened to valued relationships with someone that you could potentially marry instead of a Tinder hookup and talking face to face. We have fallen into a technological age and honestly its only going to get worse.

Thanks, guys:)
Madye

What follows destruction isn't always good.

As a student, I learn about all sorts of things from the mind to the mind's eye. I'm currently taking a religions course and this week we have had the opportunity to work with Hindu's god's, while I was boldly choosing mine I came across the God of destruction. Shiva is his name and one thing that caught my eye was "Shiva represents the most essential goodness" It seems that no matter what religious belief one chooses to practice the beliefs stay the same in one form or another.

Reading about Shiva just showed me that there is beauty at the end of the rainbow that from great destruction comes goodness even if we don't see it at first, the universe has a plan in place so that when things need renewing (i.e< all the crazy that's been happening with humanity and mother nature combined) there will be beauty and the good that follows. Then again I believe that if we are to follow the universe's path then we need to trust and respect the flow of the world. Too many times we have abused this and the beauty has not come after the destruction, here as of late, destruction as followed destruction.

I think that if humanity is to fall into this same pattern of abuse the good might not be seen in our lifetimes. We need to take a step back and realise the damage that we have caused in more ways than one. I'm not trying to push anyone to change their habits and ways of life but think about what I'm saying all the discrimination and gaps that we have put against each other, where has the love gone?

The Hindu's believe in may different gods and deities, each come with a purpose towards a person's life and the way that they live, as Shiva may destruct but he also repairs the damage he has created. he is the model deity for renewed and forgiveness the shedding of old habits and attachment to bring forth a better you.

Okay, I'm done.



Thanks, guys,
Madye

Events that you can't seem to run from.

You know in life how there are things that you can't wrap your head around, the ones that leave you asking WHY? (Yes, In all caps)

There are things, people, events, anything really that happens and seems to inevitably reoccur something that you had to put up with as a child and teen because you have no way out, under the parental rule and all. What happens when it reoccurs in adulthood and you aren't sure how to handle it, you were forced to put up with some level of abuse but now you can run from it. So do you?

When your mind scream yes, does your heart counteract, after all the abuse in  your family,someone close to you. You never had the greatest relationship with them and can see life being easier without putting up with their crap but there's your old heart driving you to bind the wrongs and give another chance, but the events reoccur and the mental abuse is on the seam of reappearing do you run and hide or cut all ties before the can of worms comes busting out.

All you've ever wanted was a relationship with them and they have continuously walked on eggshells, one mistake and it should be through, at least that's what your brain says, but then there are your heart and this chance it's screaming!

I've mentioned this family member before and she's back at it again, this time she moved two states to be closer to me and my son. Letting bygones be bygones I toughed it out until I got a call. The friend of my mother calls to tell me that my mother was drunk and this wasn't the first time. My worst possible fear kicked up, that old habits were spilling from the seems and I would not be at the receiving end this time BUT SHES YOUR MOM. My heart and head screamed this time.

I drove to her and confronted her while she was drunk, she lied to my face more than twice, I left, gave it a day and went home, there she was lying to me again. I confronted her and she told me the truth.

Long story short, I gave her an ultimatum, if she didn't stop that she wouldn't be around my children. she promised she wouldn't any longer. Two days ago, another call this time it;s whisky and she's plastered again. Then she lied about something so small again.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I know that I can't help her and I know that my heart hurts for her.

I don't understand an alcoholics mind but I know that all I've ever truly desired was that relationship with my Mother, and that is why falling into old patterns and giving out chances comes in a split decision and is so easy to fall into, I feel like Im falling back in time and Im torn.

Thanks guys
Madye

Never in a million

Never in a million would I think that from birth to now that the world would fall farther into darkness.


Why should I have thought any different with the lash backs from mother nature and the crazy weather? The signs of the damage are there not only in a natural sense but in a human way as well.

We have evolved a long way sure but are we falling into a pit of self-destruction? maybe we have been following this path since man was first made. who knows really?

We are intelligent creatures who have done brilliant things who have learned taught and introduced others to incredible things. Look at technology and how far it has come the evolution of technology has evolved as fast as humans and could very well meet its demise when the human race does.

I know not a very promising thing to think about but it's the truth riots, fights, deaths? look at all the dark activity that surrounded 2016 are we becoming primal once again? I guess if you truly believe that we once evolved from apes.

There is always a chance that the majority can pull their heads together and bring this spiral to a screeching halt. If you are like me and have a family you don't want your children growing up in a world full of hate. You want them to experience life and to its fullest.


So, never in a million years would I have guessed that time would spin backwards that the world would collapse onto itself slowly but surely.

The world has seen many things since its start its been around for billions and it will continue to push on even after we are all washed away.

I'm scared, I truly am and I don't frighten easy. I am scared that any bad thing could happen at any moment and it'll be too late. Really think about this, take a look at the way people communicate and the laziness that has come with caring for our planet, count how much crime has exploded all in a short amount of time. Look at the fact that we don't treat one another with the utmost respect. That there is still racism and stereotypes not only in the media but in the various cultures that make up the world. Just look its plain to see that NEVER IN A MILLION..


Thanks guys.
Madye

I could say Why!? But... Why?

That's what this blog was supposed to be the thoughts that I have and want to share with the world, well, of course it still is because there can never be enough Why's asked.

This post is going to be a little different. Instead of a why do I feel this way, its going to be.
Here is what I think..

So we ended 2016 and it seemed fine when it's not its only the 6th day of the new year and there was a shooting at a Ft. Lauderdale Airport today and that's bad but thats not what I have "thoughts" about.

My thoughts are turned to the fact that there is a viral video of a twelve year old girl hanging herself on a live stream video. I've watched it, broke my heart, churned my stomach. May her soul rest in peace. As much as that was disturbing what was more disturbing was the fact that there were comments on the YouTube video, "rest her soul" "that poor girl" The normal human reaction...



THE NORMAL HUMAN REACTION!!  would be to step up and take the video down! Have we as a society come to the point where seeing death or an act of self harm be considered okay. By George this video is traveling around Facebook and other social media sites without a care like a damn Starbucks commercial whether it was suicide or not this poor girl does not deserve the rest of the world gawking at her and I can only imagine her loved ones dear grief!

I don't even know where to begin on what I think. "Well, she put it on a live stream she wanted us to see it"

Umm. no BS! If she was in her right mind she wouldn't have hung herself or had anyone watch ! isn't that the whole reason she caused herself harm. It sure wasn't for the attention..

I'm not okay with seeing death and its as if the morals and privacy that comes with any kind of affair like this has been tossed out the window, It is duly noted that I was born in the wrong generation.

The rant is over.


Thanks guys
Madye.

Writers block can be the worst, right?

What, she did two posts in a night that probably don't make any sense? I sure did. Well, since December wanted to be the month that I was down and out for the count and I could not share anything with my readers hardly, let's turn over a new leaf.

This is the first post that I have made that I am not sure what to talk about. It's a New Year, and nothing eventful has come to pass yet, besides No kiss on New Years and Classes start back tomorrow.
Oh, there we go a topic!

Math, I despise it. Literally, makes my brain hurt. "But, you need to know math, " and I do, the basics but the algorithm and crazy algebraic expressions are not necessary. Unless, you are a super math genius, and you need to know everything there is to know. I'm not I'm a simple student that wants to learn about the human mind, psychology, sociology, sex therapy man not the crazy "Find X" crap. Why is it mandatory. To brush up on skills? Cool. Then give me some simple long division that is all I need in life. I can not see myself making graphs of a patient's brain waves, well maybe but that's not rocket science!


Though, Ten weeks after Math torture has ended, Ten weeks of World Religious Traditions. That my friends should be interesting. I can hear it n my head "Be brave little one, the battle is almost through" That's my motivational phrase. Gotta have one right? Since those around me didn't believe that I would have made it this far in my studies and the fact that I have proves that even the greatest hurdles can be jumped.


I think that's where I'll leave off because when the human race puts their minds on something and really focus we have the ability to do amazing things that are life changing.


Thanks Guys:)

Madye...